I want to talk to my therapist more about sex related stuff. Specifically related to my thoughts that maybe I am asexual.

This is going to be a TMI post so stop reading here if you don’t want to hear about sex related stuff.

I have had a lot of questions related to trying to figure out my sexuality or lack thereof.

The first thing I remember related to sex was the purity conferences I attended around 7th grade. I became obsessed with being pure. I made commitments to not have sex before marriage, even going so far as to decide to save my first kiss for at the marriage alter. When I heard about what sex was (male/female/penis/vagina in my ultra conservative upbringing) it mostly just grossed me out. Why on earth would I ever want to do something like that. It was easy to make the commitments that I did. I wasn’t even allowed to date until sixteen (or until after I got married, if you believed my dad). In Junior high I created my first “crush.” I made it awkward and we “couple skated” around the skating rink for the Valentine’s day field trip and then I told him he should buy me a teddy bear.

Then came high school. I didn’t really give a lot of consideration to dating. This one guy fake asked me out on the bus and I told him I couldn’t date until I was 16, then he and his friends asked me over and over again for a long time when I was going to be 16. I honestly was just more invested in my friendships and had little interest in dating. My friend Paige got sick and things got pretty shitty. I started hanging out with new friends. They were more boy crazy. I wanted to fit in so I picked a guy to have a crush on. I acted jealous (because that is what you are supposed to do) when another friend said she also had a crush on him. It became a whole thing. I was like really messed up over Paige being sick and it got even worse once she died. Then ended high school eventually.

College was a new opportunity. I created a crush again on the one single boy I hung out with. I made things too intense and at some point we went on one date. He introduced me to someone as his girlfriend and I freaked out and wrote him a letter over winter break that things moved too fast and I wasn’t ready to date. I became a little curious about the idea of sex. I researched things. I read everything I could get my hands on and I felt bad about it. One summer I babysat for a lady from my church who was a Marriage and Family Therapist and also a single mom. I got nosy and looked at the books on her bookshelf. There were some about sex and I read them. I went back to college. I started trying to masturbate. Eventually I purchased my first vibrator from eBay and was so freaked out about the possibility that I would be found out. I never had an orgasm. I also started antidepressants at some point during college (and continued on through most of my 20s).

My junior year I joined an LGBT+ education group (on my christian campus) and was the token straight. I met my best friend D. I began to truly question my sexuality. I got drunk with D and confessed to him that I was questioning my sexuality or lack thereof.

I graduated. I went on in my life and purchased multiple other sex toys. I’m still pretty sure I have never had an orgasm. I have explored porn of varying types, straight, gay, lesbian, just trying to figure it out. The idea of a penis being inside me thoroughly grosses me out. The idea of mouths on vulvas sorta grosses me out and also intrigues me. A while back (over a year) I stopped taking antidepressants. I hoped that maybe a sex drive would make an appearance once I was off them. It doesn’t seem to have happened.

I’m 29. This is where I feel broken. I just want to function in this world particularly in this area that seems to be such a huge part of being human.

E.

View high resolution

(via recovery-and-happiness)

alwaysmeek:

It’s not your job to be likable. It’s your job to be yourself. The right people will gravitate.

(via depresseddisneyprincess)

bpdlils:

chillin but also seconds away from bursting into tears

(via virginalmusings)

10/20/2019 at 10:34pm

I am tired. And sad.

Tonight is another night where I feel a little empty.

Broken.

I feel like I half want companionship and half don’t care.

But I also feel like there is a huge piece of that that is me wishing that I could be what I should be. I want to follow the rules. I feel like I skipped huge formative steps of my life being too depressed to give a fuck and too scared about dating.

Today I stood near my dad while he was talking to someone and swapping updates about each of their kids.

The other guy’s kids have been married for like three years (all significantly younger than me) and one with a kid on the way. But then I thought, well I focussed on my career. But no, they also have crazy high paying jobs (more than I can ever hope to make in my chosen career).

I am planning my future.

I am looking to buy a house. But if I do I will be all alone in a big space with no one to share it with.

I am tired. And sad.

E.

10/10/2019 at 10:31pm

Today I had work. Work was tough. Bad news about a client.

Then I had a doctor’s appointment. It was time for my pap and for a general physical. This one was way worse than the last one that I had. Not like the physical sensations, though those also suck, but I was feeling funky afterwards. Just off. I think I dissociated during the exam a little. I mean, part of what made me feel off was the comments from my doctor about my weight. Like, I mean, I know I am fat. I am an obese person. My BMI made it to a new milestone though I guess so it was time for a talk. I guess there is a weight loss program my insurance offers (but that is not entirely covered) that I can go to. It has lots of supports including weekly support groups to attend that are supposed to help stop the emotional eating. I might call to learn more about it and what it will cost me and if it is doable and offered in my area (no way do I have time to drive an hour away, attend a group, and drive back once a week).

All of it just left me feeling bad about myself. I went and practiced some of that emotional eating afterwards. Haha

E.

10/3/2019 at 8:11pm

Today I briefly met with one of the supervisors (well, like my supervisor’s boss, who is covering for my supervisor while she is out) at my work.

She said something about how someday I will be the new her.

The story I tell myself is that she is making fun of me when she says something like that and everyone recognizes it but me.

The story I tell myself is that I could never amount to that. That I could never fill those shoes.

The story I tell myself is that I am nothing.

The story I tell myself is that maybe they are right and I could. The story I tell myself is that I am crazy for even considering that.

The story I tell myself is that they must tell everyone that.

These stories make me sad.

E.

9/13/2019 at 11:11pm

I have had something on myind and I want to try to write it out. I want to figure out how to express it. And I want to decide how or if to tell my therapist.

Every once in a while (maybe once every couple months?) I get really gung-ho on wanting to date. I’ll maybe make a new dating profile or spruce up an old dating profile. I’ll read some profiles, browse some photos, and maybe even send a few messages back and forth with someone. On rare occasions I’ll even go out with someone. Most recently I drove like an hour to meet someone for a first date.

When I think about dating I can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong. I think about the expectations someone might have. I think about all the risk.

Dating feels like a doomed activity. Like even statistically right? In a person’s life they will probably go on a date with, say, 50 people (idk, I’m making this shit up). Let’s say one out of every 5 get to a second date. That is 10 second dates. Maybe half (5) make it to a third date and beyond. Two are people you date for 3-6 months before finding an incompatibility that is a deal breaker that can’t be resolved. Two make it to 12-18 months. That final one makes it to engagement/marriage/lifelong partner. So that is one out of 50 by my “incredibly scientific” ™ standards. Then, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I just don’t like those odds. And that is like 4 years wasted and at least a couple broken hearts leading up to the final marriage (not including all those first dates in between the longer term relationships). I just don’t know if I think that that is worth the potential pain and time commitment.

I feel like all around me I see failed relationships (even though I know that isn’t even accurate) and relationships I find significant flaws in.

And then there is the whole sex part of relationships and that really freaks me out. But more on that another time. It is well past my bedtime.

E.

8/28/2019 at 11:14pm

I am in a permanent state of exhaustion

Surviving on caffiene

Everything feels overwhelming

Caffienated by day

Tossing and turning all night

Tired

Tired

Tired

Overwhelmed by life

And work

And trying to figure out how to cope

Not coping well

Deep breaths

Try to calm the mind

Trying to gather my exhaustion

Into a deeply resting sleep

But it slips through my fingers

Avoids my grasps

Sleepytime tea

Melatonin

Caffienated days

Melatonin nights

I went to therapy tuesday. I talked about all this stuff that has been on my mind. So much stuff. She said something about genuinely liking me as a person. But what is there to like? I feel like I am a hot mess and barely hanging on. I’m trying to understand what someone could like about me but I just don’t.

I feel so alone. Near the end of the therapy session she asked me something. I don’t remember exactly what, on my head I answered it with I need a hug. Can I even ask that of my therapist? I know that as a therapist I would be more than happy to give a hug to any of my clients (but mine are children/teens).

Ok. I need to try to find sleep again. Maybe these tears will have found it.

E.

8/20/2019 at 10:53pm

I want to want this

I want to experience the connection and love that comes with dating

But I question my ability to connect in that way

I want it, so I try for it

I go on the dating sites

I make the profile

I do the swipe thing

I match

I chat

I go on a date or not

It goes well or not

I get completely disinterested

And wonder why I ever tried

I feel broken

I feel broken

I feel broken

I feel less than

And less than

And broken

And like a failure at a basic human thing

And like I will be forever alone

And like maybe I am ok with that

And like maybe I am not ok with that

I give up

Eventually I want it again

And the cycle continues

E.

7/30/2019 at 10:43pm

I feel stuck

I’m stuck

So stuck

I wish I could find a solution

I thought it would be easier to ignore it

To pretend I am not me

To avoid vulnerability

To seek safety

In remaining alone

But I am not sure

That is what I want

Anymore

I wonder if I am

Missing out

On something amazing

Hiding from

What is meant to be

Denying my true self

But finding the answer

Might make things worse

I stand to lose a lot

If the answer is yes

Like I both hope and fear

I might lose alone as a possibility

I might lose relationships I value

If the answer is no

Then I have a really messed up

Understanding of who I am

Either way, I might just be

Fucked

E.

7/24/2019 at 11:03 pm

I’m incredibly drunk and thinking about what I would tell my therapist about the fact that I am drunk. I’m not even functioning on a major level and that is what I think about.

E.

7/20/2019 at 11:12pm

The other day my good friend D texted me. He was upset about something. He recently found out that someone he had a crush on back in the day was also not-straight and maybe if things were different…and it was a complicated thought for him.

It made me think. I never had an experience like that. I never crushed on anyone like that. Part of why I feel so complicated about my sexuality or lack thereof is my lack of crushes. I want to talk about that at my next therapy session.

E.

3/24/2019 at 10:03pm

It has been an exhausting couple of weeks. Long story short: mostly estranged aunt was stabbed, cousin was placed in foster care, family chaos ensued, more and more shitty stuff (that my aunt did, mostly hurting my grandparents) keeps coming to light.

I realized tonight that I might hate my aunt. I dont think I have ever hated anyone before and the feeling is painful. She has done some super shitty things that have been so hurtful/harmful to my grandparents. She denies everything or makes excuses. She never owns up to her behavior. She manipulates and hurts with no thought to the pain she has intentionally caused for years. My grandparents are some of the kindest, most giving, most amazing people I know. The fact that she has hurt them so much makes me feel so incredibly angry. I rarely get angry. The anger and frustration I feel towards my aunt has even been physically painful.

E.

furioustheowlboy:

therapist-anon:

bri-lin-biscuit:

my-sins-might-be-your-tragedies:

chibi-blue-scapula:

this-account-is-a-mistake:

tasmanianstripes:

finding-a-way-to-run-away:

Parent: yells at and threatens child over a mistake

Child: doesnt want to spend time with them afterwards

Parent:

Parent:*yells at and threatens child over a mistake*

Child:*doesn’t want to admit their mistakes and starts keeping secrets from their parent*

Parent:

parent: *yells at and threatens child over them self-harming*

child: *doesn’t talk to parents about their issues and feels worse*

parent:

Parent: *attributes all their child’s achievements to god and all the mistakes to the child*

Child: *actively avoids academic achievement and becomes an atheist*

Parent:

THAT LAST ONE IS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING CHURCH AFTER I STARTED THERAPY.

Parent: *uses personal info,told to them in confidence as ammo to make child feel bad*

Child: *never tells the parents about how they feel or their personal insecurities*

Parent:

Originally posted by goverload

wow this tea is exceptionally tasty tonight thank you

(via starfieldcanvas)